Jesus lends a hand

Posted in Features


One Sunday morning, Jesus was sitting in His usual back pew in church having a quiet pray before the service started. All around Him people were bustling about, getting everything ready.

The worship group were tuning up, the communion servers were slicing and dicing a loaf of bread into tiny cubes, the donations team were charging up the contactless collection plate – and Mark was at the lectern, speed-reading the Bible passage for unpronounceable words.

All was well.

And then, all of a sudden, there was a commotion at the front. ‘Oh fuh-crying out loud!’ exclaimed Edmund, the worship leader.

Cameron put down his maraccas and walked over. ‘What is it, Ed?’ he said. He had never seen him in such a temper.

‘I’ve tried and tried but I just can’t get the stupid screen to work!’ exclaimed Edmund heatedly, looking up at the jumbo TV screen in the chancel, which blocked out the totally old-fashioned 19th century stained glass window.

The screen was infuriatingly blank. A sheen of perspiration beaded Edmund’s furrowed brow. ‘I think maybe the wretched processor’s gone.’

A small crowd of other worship personnel crowded round anxiously, abandoning their guitars and beatboxes to come and help, and, if necessary, fix the problem with a laying on of hands. ‘Oh gosh,’ said Flora, ‘If it’s not working, how on earth are we going to sing, “You’re totally awesome, Lord, you totally, totally are”?’

‘Maybe we should cancel the service?’ said Edmund, in despair.

He was out of ideas.

‘Why don’t you let me take a look at that?’ said a sudden presence at his side. The little crowd of musicians parted. Several people audibly gasped.

Edmund turned and his pulse raced as he realised that Jesus was there. Jesus had heard him! Jesus had got up from His pew to lend a divine hand. Of all the dire situations happening in the world right now, with wars, and pestilence, and the entire Arctic icecap melting and stuff, Jesus was here to fix Edmund’s minor technical TV glitch. Hallelujah!

Of course, Edmund shouldn’t have been in the least bit surprised.

Only a week last Saturday, his fiancée Penny had gone into town on a shopping expedition and, desperate to avoid the totally unreasonable charges in the car park, had circled round and round the shopping centre, like Joshua and the Israelites at the battle of Jericho, impatiently beseeching the Lord to open up a parking space for her Nissan Micra, even if it was a ‘Loading Only’ bay.

And then suddenly the wonder happened and a space appeared! Penny had to do a nifty bit of forward parking to block the man who was selfishly trying to reverse into the space.

‘He realised it was my space at once,’ said Penny. ‘He was so friendly. He waved at me vigorously and gave lots of cheery blasts of his horn before speeding away.’

Jesus took one look at the errant TV screen and His piercing blue eyes lasered in on its connecting wires. ‘Hmm,’ he mused, stroking his freshly conditioned blond beard. ‘That HDMI cable looks like it came out of the Ark.’

Everyone laughed. Jesus had such a brilliant sense of humour. And he clearly knew his Bible, too.

He took hold of the cable. Everyone craned in, wide-eyed with belief. He touched the troublesome connection with His manicured fingertips. There was a faint buzzing sound and then a brief smell of something tiny burning.

Abruptly, the giant screen in the chancel lit up. It flickered and flashed for a moment, and then an image sprang to life. Praise be! It was the cover of the church’s worship resources, Sound of Flushing Waters.

It happened so suddenly, everyone in the group jumped as if they’d had an electric shock.

‘Jesus!’ exclaimed Edmund.

‘Yes, Edmund?’ said the Lord.

‘I mean, Jesus, that’s totally, like, awesome!’

He turned around to thank Him, but Jesus had disappeared. He was back in his pew checking out the notice sheet for the week ahead.

‘That’s so Jesus!’ thought Edmund.

Image: Erika Giraud on Unsplash

Simon Jenkins

Simon Jenkins

Simon Jenkins is the editor of Ship of Fools, and the author of comedy-meets-religion book, Jumble Sales of the Apocalypse.

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